Hank in Hogwarts
by LoverOfGames
Summary: What ensues when Hank, Sanford, and Deimos go to Hogwarts? Madness, of course!  First fic.
1. Chapter 1

**Ok, before I start: this is my first fanfic so plz be gentle with reviews! **

**WARNING: CHARACTERS MAY ACT OOC, ESPECIALLY THE HOGWARTS GROUP.**

Sanford, Hank, and Deimos were driving through the countryside in the Northern part of U.K. In the back was a trunk full of weapons, passports, food, games, electronics, DVDs, a miniature DVD player, and an improbability drive with the sole purpose of expanding the space inside. In the car itself; Hank was driving, Deimos was watching Die Hard using his computer, and Sanford was singing to a song on the boom-box. Very loudly and very badly.

"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, SANFORD, STOP SINGING!" Deimos and Hank were plugging their ears with whatever they could find. Well, Deimos was. Hank was trying to bear it and failing miserably.

"Hey, guys! What's wrong with it? Oh, here comes a new one!" Sanford reached to the radio, only to see it shot by Hanks' Colt Python.

"Oh, God thanks Hank!" Deimos took the mass of tissue paper, cotton, and wool out of his ears to continue watching his movie.

"HANK! What the hell's your problem?"

"You're singing like a broken record, dumbass!"

"Hank. Listen to me very clearly: WE. ARE. ON. A. VACATION! How many times does the Agency give us time off, huh?" Hank ignored Sanford and kept driving, when suddenly they saw…

"Hey, guys! Look at that train!" Deimos and Sanford laughed at how 'slowly' the train that was running right next to them was going.

"Wow, they still use steam trains here? Where are we, the 1850's or something?"

They laughed and kept driving.

"Hey, Harry! Hermione! You guys are from Muggle families, right?" Ron pressed his face to the window and watched rather enviously as the car sped straight past them. "Can you tell what type of car that is?"

"No, I was never into cars. How about you, Harry?"

"Nah, the Dursleys never let me have anything to do with stuff like that. It looks sort of like a limousine, though…" They all started at the sound of laughing and…

"Are they pointing at us?" Harry was using his omnioculars to try and see who was driving and what was inside. "Yeah, they're pointing at us and laughing! Those jerks! Can't we get the conductor to speed up or something?"

Hermione groaned. The boys were way too competitive sometimes and really, what were the odds of the conductor speeding up just for them?

"Hey, Sanford, Deimos, wake up! Check out that cool castle over there." Hank shook the two partners awake, and by shake, I mean he grabbed them by their necks and started shaking them like a pair of baby rattles.

"BluuarrghghghhhghaurrghSTOP!" The two grabbed him by the wrists and slammed their other hands into his abdominal area.

"HUGH! Dammit! I *wheeze* was just try-*hack cough cough*-ing to tell you about that big-ass castle over there!" Hank pointed and Deimos whistled, while Sanford was merely speechless.

"WHOA! Want to check it out?" Deimos looked incredibly eager and was already getting out when Hank said, "Yeah, sure."

After a couple minutes of hard running the three saw a sign that said: DANGER. UNSAFE. KEEP OUT.

"Unsafe, huh? Well, 'unsafe' this!" Sanford and Hank laughed while Deimos gave the sign the finger.

"Nice one, Deimos. Well, let's go check it out!"

Harry, Ron, and Hermione were picking at their food while discussing the three that dissed the train.

"Who do you think they were? Joyseekers?" Hermione offered up the suggestions and meaningful questions while Harry and Ron were busy cursing the three.

"Christ, Ron, who did those jerks think they were?"

"I know! Did you see the way they laughed and pointed? God, just thinking about it makes me mad!"

"HARRY! RON! Professor Dumbledore's starting the speech!" The three settled down and listened to the great wizard deliver his oratory.


	2. Chapter 2

Whew, man, this place is huge!" the three 'jerks' were currently wandering a bit East of the Main Gate when suddenly, out of nowhere, bullets started pinging past them!

"HOLY SHIT! AGENTS!" Hank opened fire with his classic Uzi while Deimos strafed the general area with his two H&K G36 rifles. Sanford, meanwhile, ran in swinging his hook. He slammed it into the base of one of the agent's skull while Deimos tore into a clump of three with 2 full mags. Hank, meanwhile, was simply strafing and reloading the area again and again, and was rewarded when several agent's stumbled out, holding their stomachs, thighs, and knees.

"Damn, didn't't think there would be agents all the way over here!" Deimos kicked one of their bodies while Sanford looked ahead to see if any more Agents were coming. Everything seemed to have settled after they shot and hooked the stragglers until Hank noticed something.

"Is that an RPG? Yes, it is! OH SHI-"

At that moment, the G (grenade) in RPG (rocket-propelled grenade) exploded right in front of them, sending them flying straight through the Main Gate…

And into Hogwarts, where at least 60 more Agents had somehow gotten in and were waiting.

"What was that noise!" Harry, Hermione, and everybody in the Great Hall looked around shocked at the sudden boom while Neville was paling with fright.

"It's probably just Peeves. Don't worry, it'll pass." After a few minutes, the students relaxed and started eating again when suddenly, screaming and gunfire rang throughout the air laced with the sounds of…

"Die! Die! Die! ... Just how many of you bastards are here!"

"Watch out Hank! That one's making a run for it!"

*Thoomp* "Auugh!"

"Nice shot!"

The group inside the hall simply stared and listened in shock at the yelling and screaming. They saw blood splatter onto the walls and floor then, out of nowhere, a suited man with dark sunglasses missing the lower half of his body was thrown out and thudded onto the floor. Right after that gruesome sight, the sounds of a man's head being mercilessly pounded on the stone wall again and again drifted out, until someone said…

"Hank, that's enough. He's already dead."

"Whew, that's a lot of them. How many were there, Sanford?"

"Well, it's hard to tell. Some of them are missing bits and I would have to piece them all together to give you an accurate measure. The number of bits on the ground, though, is 114."

Tentatively, our three young wizards, accompanied by Neville, Luna, Seam Deamus, and Parvati, poked their heads to see a sight of utter carnage. Blood was everywhere and the corridor seemed to be soaked with it. Dead bodies, either hooked, shot repeatedly, maimed, slashed, or bludgeoned lay everywhere, too. Up against the wall, draped over the railing, lying on the floor, and in several cases, lying in **pieces** on the floor. Large, dangerous looking handguns, SMG's, machineguns, knives, and swords were lying around as well. In the midst of all this, three men stood, looking around and talking amongst themselves. One had a revolver, bloody hook, and SMG, another had 2 assault rifles and 2 shotguns, and the third had a katana and Uzi with another shotgun slung over his back.

Silence reigned for several seconds, until Ron said what they were all thinking:

"Bloody hell!"


	3. Chapter 3

"Damn, Hank, there was a lot of them here. Do you think the Higher Power's didn't tell us something?" Sanford was idly twirling his hook with a suspicious gleam in his eye.

Hank thought for a moment, and then said, "If they didn't tell us something, it was for a reason. And if I'm wrong, blood will flow in Nevada."

"Harry, you're the bravest here. Go and talk to them!" Harry's friends tried to get him to go out and talk to the 3 blood-splattered strangers talking about something they had no clue about.

"What! A 15-year old boy against 3 heavily armed grown men? It would be a pushover! ARE. YOU. FUCKING. INSANE!

Hermione coughed, and then said, "Everyone in the Great Hall is waiting for us. Let's all go together and see what they want."

Ron paled, Neville nearly fainted, and the rest shuddered. After a moment, Ginny spoke up.

"Guys, I think they're coming this way."

Hank noticed something in the corner of his eye and remarked, "Hey, Sanford, Deimos, look at those kids. What'cha think they're doing?"

Sanford rolled his eyes and muttered," Uh, wondering why 3 heavily armed grown men are standing in their castle in the middle of a blood-stained room, maybe?"

Hank shot back, "Well, let's talk to them, and Sanford?"

"Yeah?"

"No one likes a smart-ass."

"Oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no…" Neville was whimpering at the sight of them coming their way until…

"What are you're doing here? And do you know where we are?""Hank, no need to be so brusque. They're just kids." Deimos fervently whispered to him.

Hermione, keeping her composure admirably under the circumstances, briskly replied, "You're at Hogwarts, School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. We're all students here, you see, so we should be the ones asking the first question."

Hank, Sanford, and Deimos blinked. "Oh. Well, can you take us to your headmaster or principle or head of school?"

Ginny was about to reply when they heard Dumbledore's ending the feast.

"Uh oh…"


	4. Chapter 4

_**AUTHORS NOTE: I appear to have written myself into a corner. Are there any changes you want me to make to a story? What do you want to happen next? I have writers block (for those of you who haven't noticed) and I need ideas. HALP!**_


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